In childhood, when creativity was suppressed I did not know what creativity was or art; it was the suppression of all my expression. They told  me in foster care that "all art in the world should be destroyed, because it is devilish".

Still, my mind was creative to deal with the circumstances. From the age of twelve, while human contact in the outside world was forbidden, I was allowed to enter the large forests of the Veluwe, what became a 'dream world'. I imagined how Mesolithic hunters crafted their arrows for the bow, how they lived in huts, and how they were always out in nature. I created in nature- with pine cones, drawing in the sand, arranging tree bark.

At age 22 I created a landscape drawing on a wall of my room  called The destruction of the Earth, based on a dream I had around the age of twelve.I wrote four childhood stories in my twenties  about friendship of two boys and their adventures.

However, it wasn't until 1992 that I created by accident. I enjoyed building scale models of airplanes, boats, and rockets.And then she painted them using acrylic paint. One day, I made a drawing with that paint—and then another. My first drawing was a 'self-portrait,' the second was entitled Mother with child, portrayed as two prehistoric animals on a strange planet.

I created. Tried techniques, materials- often very cheap- and started with creating large paintings in oil on wood panels. I created from my memory, my mind and never from nature. It appeared to be 'dangerous' to portray from traumatic memories. What would people think if they ever found this work I created? During the process between 1992 and 1998 I destroyed already large parts of work. Being creative could be dangerous as my mind was unguided. In my head appeared to be hundreds if not thousands of images of young boys, that were kept there from random boys observed in the outside world since ten years old in foster care - since they told me I am not a boy, but a girl.

I realized that what I created on paper or canvas would be used against me by others, just as everything else was always used against me. Because of this, I understood that I could never truly convey my actual experience and thoughts  on paper. The false outside world would interpret my drawings however they wished—I was all too aware of that.

In later years other parts of collections were destroyed - the many hours, weeks and years  spent on creating did not count. I even doubted if I was creative when I destroyed almost my entire collection, spanning half a small room in 2002. 

When I started making nature art (with Inouyak, Arban) I never regarded this as art- but as objects from a past time, a reconstruction of the past. We created calendars, memory objects, we were weaving, making special stone tools, inventing tools from bones and wood.  

In the 90s, I created work and discussed it with the artist Philip Knipscheer in Amersfoort, which whom I had a good relationship. We even created an artwork together with our self portraits, which I still have.